I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
