he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize
