I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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