Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
