Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
