Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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