Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
