Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
COCAINE IS GR8
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
