Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
