So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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