So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
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