i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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