This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
