Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
