I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
