So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
