if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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