Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
