I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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