We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
