Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
