you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
