How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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