he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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