Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
