I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
