tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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