My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
