Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
last night I used snow as a chaser
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
