im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
3 2 1 whiskey
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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