we have officially lost it.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
