I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
