I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
