Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
