I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
where are you?
Hypothermia
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
