Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
