Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
