so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My vagina just recognized that song.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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