I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
