woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
