He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
