Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
