Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
