I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
