Already got asked if we're dating
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I had to cum in my sink.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
