Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
