We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
