He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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