Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
