She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
