Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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