I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
