her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
